Haiku Hiatus

Today isn't a rant or a brag. I'm trying to update this bastard every Monday, but today I feel a lazy streak coming on, so I'm just going to post a poem. Enjoy!

Ten Little Zombies- a haiku tale of destruction

Ten little zombies
Lumbering down my dirt road
Trebuchet works great!

Nine little zombies
Shuffling their way to my house
Arrow through the eye

Eight little zombies
Groaning along my driveway
Trap squashes a corpse

Seven walking dead
Wandering in the backyard
Glad I dug that pit

Six little zombies
Moaning outside my front door
Shotgun to the face

Five living dead guys
Knocking at my windowsill
Crowbar smashes skull

Four little zombies
Staggering inside my house
Hatchet severs neck

Three little zombies
Chase me slowly up the stairs
Sharp knife in the eye

Two groaning corpses
Teeth snapping to eat my flesh
Broken chair to brain

One little zombie
Has pinned me in the corner
Ouch! That really hurt!

Two little zombies…

Tonia's Toy Time

[Filth]

Okay, so I spent the better part of this morning reading reviews and blog posts about vibrators.
Yeah, I got caught up in that endless swirl of link upon link upon link of blog posting madness. I could have spent hours at it, maybe even the whole of the day. I finally stopped reading because I got tired of hearing about how the women all needed a vibe due their pitiful sex lives. Half of them spent the entire blog whining about being married to the least affectionate man on earth, and the other half went on about the lonely life of a single/divorced/unwanted woman.

I own a vibrator. I love my vibrator. (Actually I own a few but that's neither here nor there.) The point is that my owning a vibe is not because I can't get sex anywhere else. In fact, I have a great regular partner, my husband of fourteen years. I own a vibe for several reasons, none of which include "Because I am married and my sex life is dead as a result."

I own a vibrator because:

1) It feels great! I have heard men and women both say they don't like 'em. Who do you think you're fooling? A vibe on your conjunction-junction feels fucking fantastic. Like a thousand little fingers flicking you off at the same time. Sometimes I worry my eyes will roll to the back of my head and never return.

2) It's a quick way to get off. I'm a sloooooow burn on the old orgasm flame. My man enjoys this because he likes to take his time. But time is a commodity in our house, something we don't always have. A vibe is a great way to speed things up, every pun intended.

3) I fucking can. Yes, I count the fact that I can own one as a reason to own one. It took years and lots of struggle to achieve a time when we can not only buy them, but post blogs about them without fear of the old boot-to-the-head syndrome of censured silence.

4) I love to use it. Did I mention how fucking fantastic they feel?

5) It's a sure fired cure for insomnia. Orgasms release natural endorphins which help you relax and sleep. True story. A quick session with the old buzzer and then it's off to la-la land.

6) There is a use it or loose it game with the Big O. I work third shift. My husband works first. This leaves us a few narrow windows every week for happy unions. How do I keep my works ready for receiving his blessed affections? Much like the rest of your body you have to exercise the old hoo-haa or it will forget what it's supposed to do. I'm serious! Masturbation is a key to keeping your orgasms in shape. Unless you orgasm on a regular basis, your climax will get weaker and weaker, until you just aren't having them at all. And what is better then a session with a vibe?

7) It helps my menstrual cramps. A good orgasm is a great way to relieve cramps, and the vibe is a massaging tool by nature. Do the math folks.

8) Variety is the spice of life. I own more than one toy because I like variety. A little longer one day, a bit thicker the next. A slim one for the back door perhaps? A different shape, a different feel, all of it keeps things interesting. And my hungry, hungry hippo loves interesting. In fact, she thrives on it. Interesting is good, and good is great!

9) Seriously, have you ever used a vibe during sex? If you answer yes, then you understand. *waggles eyebrows* If no, then why the hell not! I want to use a tired cliche to describe it for you, but it's not like having your cake and eating it too. It's more like fucking the baker and never having to worry about cake again!

10) IT JUST FUCKING FEELS GOOD! Need I say more?


So, I don't own a vibe because I am lonely, or horny with no outlet, or married to an uncaring spouse.
I own one because I want one.
Because I like it.
Because I use it every day.
Because I can.

later taters,
Tonia

Literary Lewdness

[Filth/Writing]
When I tell folks what genres I like to write (erotica and steampunk and horror) I always get the same questions. What makes you want to write horror? What the hell is steampunk anyways? But my favorite question is: What’s the difference between pornography and erotica?
My answer to this age old question will surprise some of you, will anger some of you and the rest of you will just scratch your head and wonder what the hell I meant by it.

So, what’s the difference between pornography and erotica?

Very little.

Thanks for reading my entry today, and next week I shall…

What?

You want a detailed explanation? Okay then, but hold onto your hats, cause like I said, some of you aren’t going to like it. Remember that the following is just my opinion. The rest of the erotica community might disagree. *shrugs*

Lots of folks say the difference is simply gender based. That men like the hardcore nature of porn while women enjoy the subtlety of erotica. That may be true for most folks, but not all. I know men who dote on erotica, but don’t like the movies a bit. And I know women who turn their noses up at the written word but will pop a good, old-fashioned porn in the DVD player just about every day. And I of course know both men and women who like neither, preferring their arousal to be real world based thank you very much. (More porn for the rest of us, I say!)
So gender based? No, I don’t think so. Sure more women read erotica than men, but the difference between the two isn’t as simple as just being a male or female thing.

Pornography and erotica are essentially, at heart, the same beast. They are both meant to titillate, to arouse, to get one in the mood for bedroom activities. Yet while porn is visually based, erotica is emotionally based. Yes, I said emotionally based. Think of the pair as one being a quickie and the other a slow night of passionate lovemaking.

Pornography is a swift slap and tickle with your libido, a fast track to get the juices flowing in all the right directions, which in the end leaves you with the passion to fuck just about anything that will stand still long enough for you to molester it.
On the other hand, erotica is a slow burning feast for the senses, an engaging playground for your mind as well as your body, teasing your mental and physical libido into an a mutually aroused state that leaves you breathless for more.
Erotica allows the reader an emotional investment that you can’t get from pornography. You don’t care about the characters in porn, but you rejoice in the coupling of erotica. Who gives two shits if come busty blond we have no connection with fucks a mailman we’ve never met? Sure it’s hot, sure the bouncing tits and rock hard abs are nice to watch, but once we are done with our… ahem… business… we press stop and forget about it until we want a little help getting off again.
But if we learn all about the busy blond's wretched divorce and how the mailman is afraid of intimacy due to his late wife’s untimely demise… THEN we are fighting for them to get it on. When they do we are so glad for them, and only too glad to peep upon them doing it. And of course when they are finished we are just getting started, so we carry that same emotionally charged erotic sensation to our own lover, who reaps the benefit of our impassioned state.

And that’s where porn and erotica share the same sheets. Once the characters get it on we stick around to watch, and get off in the process. Written words of "heaving bosoms" and "thrusting manhoods" are no less pornographic than a full on visual X rated material. Just because it’s written down, doesn’t make it any less naughty. In fact, to me it’s more naughty. I find reading about a daisy chain far hotter then watching one.

But, then again, that’s just me.

There you have it, my simple opinion, like it or lump it.

Now… ask me another one…