The Backseat Writer

Railroad! Rendezvous

2012-01-30T06:41:00.000-08:00

Just a quick word to let you folks know that the first volume of Railroad! is free for the next five days.

Get it while it's hot, folks! WOOP!

Click me! Click me! Click me for a freebie!

New News!

2012-01-23T08:12:00.000-08:00

Okay then, I've got lots of stuff to share. So much stuff is going on in ye olde writing worlde so I'm gonna just pile it all up in one post and let you folks sort it out.

First of all, Books of the Dead Press put out my latest novel, Badass Zombie Road Trip! WOOP!

Jonah has seven days to find his best friend’s soul, or lose his own, dragging a zombie across the country with a stripper who has an agenda of her own and being pursued for a crime he didn’t commit ...

all while dealing with Satan.

2,000 miles.

Seven days.

Two souls.
One zombie.
Satan.

It's going to be a hell of a ride!

Click here in the next week for a free download of the novel!

(Otherwise click it to buy the thing. You know you want it!)

In other news, Railroad! is chugging along nicely. I just released the third volume of the series, which you can grab by clicking here. We are almost ready to release the print omnibus so keep a wide eye open for that one. David has been really good to me with artwork so we have got some amazing prizes to give away. We got a poster print of the omnibus cover and a signed ink of the crew. David rocks all kinds of socks!

Right now the series is in intermission, and I've invited some guests to post stories. Eric S. Brown is up first, and his story is pretty gory. Later on I've got stories from Lori Titus, Gregory Hall and Jaidis Shaw. Nice!

Anyways you can grab more information and how to enter the new contest here.

Be sure to enter cause this book is pretty rocking. WOOP!

I was also recently interviewed by Fiona Mcvie for her Inspiration Forum. It was a mix between the usual questions with a couple of odd ones thrown in. Of course I gushed about Gaiman for most of the time, but you expected that. You can read the thing here.

The agent is still working on selling The Cold Beneath. *fingers crossed* He also asked to read Skin Trade, so let's hope he wants to take it on as well. We shall see.

Oh, and I recently made it into an upcoming anthology from Twin Star Media. The anthology is called, Before Plan Nine, and encompasses stories that explain what happened to the plans before Plan Nine from the Ed Wood film of the same name. There are some REALLY big names in this one, so I am plenty excited about being included, especially since I wrote a brick of a tale. (You guys know me, I'm long winded!) It should be out by March. Look for it!

I guess that's all for now. Sorry to expel on you guys in some diarrhea explosion of information. I should really try to post these things as they happen, but in this case, these things sort of happened all at once.

Later taters,

Tonia

Very Villanelle

2011-12-30T07:07:00.000-08:00

I've recently joined up with a FaceBook group that has inspired my poetic side again. It's like a return to my roots, for poetry is where I began my love for the written word. Ah, I remember the days. When the husband and I would snuggle up like kittens and read aloud from a variety of poetry chap books. Some our own. Some others. Some famous. Some not so famous.

I still get all wiggly when he starts spouting off with Tom 'O Bedlam or some such.

Anywho, I bring this up because I have, as of late, fallen back into form poetry. Specifically the villanelle. I've posted a round or two on yea olde FaceBooke, and though folks seem to like them, I am getting quite a few emails asking what in the hell is a villanelle?

So here we are. The villanelle.

Here is what yea olde wikki has to say about it:

"A villanelle is a poetic form that entered English-language poetry in the 19th century from the imitation of French models.The word derives from the Italian villanella from Latin villanus (rustic). A villanelle has only two rhyme sounds. The first and third lines of the first stanza are rhyming refrains that alternate as the third line in each successive stanza and form a couplet at the close. A villanelle is nineteen lines long, consisting of five tercets and one concluding quatrain."

If that confused you, allow me to give you a visual aid. They key to the villanelle is the repetition of words and rhyme. There are only two rhymes, A and B. And the refrains are repeated throughout. Like so:

Refrain 1 (A¹)

Line 2 (b)

Refrain 2 (A²)

Line 4 (a)

Line 5 (b)

Refrain 1 (A¹)

Line 7 (a)

Line 8 (b)

Refrain 2 (A²)

Line 10 (a)

Line 11 (b)

Refrain 1 (A¹)

Line 13 (a)

Line 14 (b)

Refrain 2 (A²)

Line 16 (a)

Line 17 (b)

Refrain 1 (A¹)

Refrain 2 (A²)

It's a fairly simple form, but very complicated to master. A number of excellent ones have been written, including this one from Dylan Thomas:

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wow. Heavy stuff there. I could only hope to reach that level of awesomeness one day. I've tried my hand at it many, many times. Some were acceptable and a few I am quite proud of.
Here was my first attempt from years ago:

Constant

Yes life is like a ship at sea.

And from the moment we depart

For death we sail eternally.

Some let the wind blow naturally

Then follow their drifting heart

Yes life is like a ship at sea.

Most place their rig at jeopardy

And realize this from the start

For death we sail eternally

Some guide their vessel carefully

As though it is a treasured art

Yes life is like a ship at sea.

Most view this as a fallacy

As no matter how well we chart

For death we sail eternally

Each, a separate Odyssey,

Towards that final goal we dart.

Yes life is like a ship at sea.

For death we sail eternally.

Not too shabby. But then again, meh. I was criticized on more than one forum for 'using to direct of a metaphor' where instead I should have 'hinted and insinuated at the point.' I wrote a few in between, most of which I've misplaced or deleted on purpose! Flash forward to now, here we are years later and I've tried out the form again. I am very pleased with the results.

A Handful of Flesh

Darkness reveals what light denies

Upon the canvas of the bed

The hands see different from the eyes

For in the gloom we lose our guise

And sense our sights instead

Darkness reveals what light denies

You trace her curves, her lows, her highs

Her thickened thighs she’ll spread

The hands see different from the eyes

So blindly touch, feast on her sighs

While hunger swells your head

Darkness reveals what light denies

Drink full the mystery of your prize

For touch can’t be misled

The hands see different from the eyes

A sensation second but to her cries

As through the shadows you tread

Darkness reveals what light denies

The hands see different from the eyes.

As rhythmic as a squeaking bed, eh?

I reckon I like the villanelle because its form almost begs for you to attempt to construct a narrative, but it's nearly impossible. I love that challenge. And one day, I will master it!

I leave you now with a man who has definitely mastered the form. But then again, is there a kind of poem he can't write? I think not.

Later taters,

Tonia

Jaidis Jawjacking

2011-12-25T05:14:00.000-08:00

Jaidis Shaw over at the blog Juniper Grove has graciously invited me to be a guest. There's an interview with some very personal questions, and a giveaway of a few copies of Railroad! too. I really appreciate her invitation and for her help promoting independent authors.

Enjoy the insanity! CLICK HERE!

And speaking of insanity, I was recently interviewed on TMV Cafe by the ever delicious Mortal Vampire, EW Bradfute. We shot the sheets over many a thing, but of course once he latched onto my Peter, that dominated the discussion. (My Peter has that effect on people.) It was a great interview and a spelndid time was had by all! I also got to stay for the Midnight Spice hour, in which the discussion took a turn for the naughty. But for those that know me, I didn't really say anything new.

Merry Christmas folks!

Reading Railroad!

2011-12-11T04:20:00.000-08:00

I write a web based serial entitled Railroad! and have for some time now. It’s a serialized steampunk adventure set in the American old West. Some call it weird western, some call it steampunk light or steampunk flavored. Either way, I have enjoyed the hell out of the stories and the characters and hope it will continue to be enjoyed by the handful of fans it has acquired. Many of you already know all of this about me, but some of you may not. And that, my friends is the point of my blog post today. No, not the blatant advertising of my story, but the simple fact that I have been posting it for 42 weeks and some folks I see and speak to online every day still do not know I even write the thing. (I emphasize online because the folks I see in person are sick to death of me talking about it! Haha!)

Did you see that little number up there?

Yeah. 42 weeks.

Secret of the universe aside, that’s ten and a half months baby. Ten and a half months of posting a free story, once a week, every Monday morning for your enjoyment. Not to mention the months it took to write, to work with my editor to get it ready, and the time to set up the website, design it (myself!) and promote the material almost every day. That’s a lot of hard work. Work, I would like to point out one more time, I do for nothing.

Nothing. It’s all free to you, the reader.

You think that’s work? Some folks have been on this train for YEARS. Lori Titus has been at it with her web serial The Marradith Ryderseries for almost three years, with updates almost every week and an ongoing cast of unforgettable characters. And, to top this off, she writes it on the freaking fly! Week by week she writes this stuff. Here’s what she has to say about it:

The Marradith Ryder Series

“I usually write ahead, but lately, I have been going week to week. When I first started writing Marradith, I gave myself about a month or so cushion of already written stories. That said, I know the characters and the story well enough now that I feel comfortable writing them the weekend before they go live on the website. Once I started working on other novels, I couldn't plan on stocking away six or seven episodes for her as I did before.”

My hat off to her because there is no way I could do it by the week. It’s not that I lack the confidence she has with her characters, its that I tend to write in a weird, retrofitting way that finds me going back to the beginning of a story arc and changing it 50 times before I’m satisfied. One line of dialogue here can change entire pages of description five chapters earlier.

You can’t change it like that once the material is out there for the world to see.

Some see it as cheating, some see it as being prepared, but the truth is I write Railroad! by the volume. Roughly 30k words at time, sort of novella sized bites of the story. The idea of the whole serial was to create a setup that would allow me to have a cast of characters I could manipulate into a practically endless set of stories. And it worked! Dodger and the crew of the Sleipnir come together through the first three volumes, making the first book length’s worth of material. Now I’m working on volume four by featuring a new story while continuing the overarching main tale. I’ve plotted volumes five and six, and even have story ideas all the way to volume nine. It’s glorious. I’m tickled pink that the whole thing worked out like that. Now I can jump about with stories, introducing new characters in new towns, but still get to move along each regular cast member’s back history and current interactions.

It’s sort of like writing a soap opera.

With more guns.

And zombies.

I suppose the main reason I’m writing about this because a man whom I have an undying amount of respect for, Gregory Hall, asked me recently just exactly why I give away Railroad! to the masses. Why did I write the entire first volume of well over 100k words, have it edited professionally, and then instead of shopping it out to an agent or publishing house I gave it all away?

I had the idea for the story of Railroad! about this time last year, after watching the remake of True Grit. I got hung up on wanting to write a western, which evolved into a steampunk weird western, which evolved into a web based serial just for funsies. I think Mr. Brown suggested posting it online first. His exact words were, “Why not post it online in the spirit of the old fashioned serials of the Victorian era? The internet is the new dime store, so why not use it to publish your dime store fiction?” Why not indeed! And considering that during the Victorian era it was considered the professional and superior route to release by serial first, then by packaged volume, I decided I just about had to serialize it.

So as you can see, I set out writing Railroad! with the expressed purpose of posting it online. Even as I finished up the first book length, and sat there with enough material in my hand to send to a publisher or agent, I still wanted it online. I guess I supposed it would build a good reader base. And perhaps part of it was just the excitement of sharing the story, and giving it away online certainly is the best way to do that without waiting on publishers. I think a large and ashamedly part of it was that old attention whore in me rising up for some air. All in all it sounded like a good idea at the time. There aren’t a whole lot of steampunk web serials, so I figured it was a good niche. When I asked his advice, my agent even recommended posting it as a serial just to draw attention to my writing.

You can’t argue with Nick. That man knows what he’s doing.

That said, I spoke with the web serial veteran Lori Titus why she did it, this is what she said:

“Marradith started out as basically two short stories. Like a lot of things with me, I got an offer from Tony Smith, who was the editor over at Flashes in the Dark, to make it a serial. And I said yes. That said, I had no idea I'd fall in love with this cast of characters or that I'd be happily writing about them years later.

Why do I still do it? It's a great way to make people familiar with my work, and has also exposed me to fan and editor feedback I would never have gotten. A lot of the people that read Marradith have purchased Lazarus or Green Water Lullaby on the strength of the online serial.

Also, Marradith did two things for me none of my other writing did---it imposed strict deadlines on me, which I had to learn to meet. And it also gave me a creative space to call home, a story I can play with no matter what other projects I have going on.”

Very different origins, but essentially it gets at the same thing. I love the discipline that Railroad! imposes on me as well. Granted I don’t write on the fly, but I have to maintain my site and post weekly and address comments as they come across. Also, I have released each volume as a Kindle book as they are posted online. (Which I format and covert all by my onesies.) I run a contest to coincide with each release giving away everything from train whistles to key chains to a pocket watch. I intend to format the first full book for paperback and release it through Createspace after it is posted online. Again, more work, and yes this time there is a payback, but that’s not the only reason why I am doing it. Funnily enough, I want to put out the paperback to draw folks to the web serial, because even after the book goes on sale the web serial will still be free to read.

As for Lori and her serial, here is where she is going with it:

“I am actually working on making Marradith into novels. The books will be self-published, but they will be edited to give the stories some added depth. I'm working on getting the proof completed for Hunting in Closed Spaces, which I hope to have done soon.

The online version will remain on Flashes in the Dark.”

Again, we worked on different routes with similar purposes in the end. I wrote mine as novels, serialized them and intend to self-pub the full novels. She writes hers as weekly updates and then packages them as novels. As they say, whatever works!

In the end, I suppose even if no one ever read Railroad! ever again I would still be compelled to keep writing it. Why? Because I enjoy the hell out of writing it. The stories are super fun to work on and I have complete and total creative control, which satisfies my ego to no end. That said, to those of you who do take the time to read it, I can’t thank you guys enough. The continued support, comments and kudos I get really keep the whole train moving along. And those of you who don’t, I understand how hard it is to keep up with an online serial, so I don’t fault you. Keep in mind that the book will be out in January.

And yes, I would be glad to sign your copy.

Later taters,

Tonia

Monday Mutterings

2011-12-05T05:57:00.000-08:00

To start off with I was going to do a post about Krampus. Who's Krampus, you may ask?

Go on then. Ask.

Yes, well here is a blog post from my good friend Sparrow at the Barbed Pentacle explaining all about the wonderful Christmas character known as the Krampus. Enjoy!

In other news, I have finished penning another novel. This one is set in an alternate 1880's where a terrible outbreak of infection has arisen in the Indian nation, turning the victims into undead beasts and making the western front nigh on uninhabitable. The book focuses on a young runaway girl who gets wrapped up in the world of the skin trade--the business of trafficking in zombie pelts. I wanted to call it Skin Trade, but I'm not sure that is gonna fly. We'll have to see.

This weekend saw me at the sewing machine again. I was roped into working on yet another costume for Tony. Again. Actually, to be fair to him this time I agreed with his demands without much fuss. His Holly King outfit was getting a bit ratty. So I worked up some new bits for it and this weekend we are headed to the Yule Bazaar in Belmont. Tony is going to be an old world Santa for the kids. It should be funsies. Pics to follow.

On that note, I'd like to say a word about the holidays. As some of you may know, I'm Wiccan. At this time of year we celebrate Yule, the return of the sun. The winter solstice is on the 21st, the shortest day of the year.On this longest night we (the church) lights a fire at sunset and tend it all night until sunrise the next day. This way we sympathetically ensure the return of the sun.

You're welcome.

What I wanted to say was I love Christmas. Yes, I'm a pagan and I love Christmas. I love not just the pagan imagery that's been sucked into the Christmas mythology, but also the story of Christmas day. I love the beauty of it. The power behind the birth of a god. It's just swell. I especially love the music. Carols and gospel and all that jazz. What a lovely holiday.

So, have yourself a merry little Christmas, or whatever you celebrate.

Scary Scenes

2011-11-18T06:41:00.000-08:00

Recently a fellow on the Facebook group Moody's Survivors asked:

What is the most spine chillin, hair raising, goosebump inducing, one scene from a movie that you can remember?

Spine chillin, hair rasing, goosebump inducing scene, huh? Le'me reach into the old bag of tricks and see what pops out!

When we were living in Japan, my dad was able to get his hands on an early version of the VCR. The enormous top loading ones with the tapes that weigh a million tons. I know you're thinking, big deal. VCR? Woopty doodle do. Sure, everyone has one now, or rather had one they replaced with a DVD player, but back in the day this was a big fecking deal! A VCR folks! And we had one! WOOP!

As a family we tended to watch mostly horror movies. I think perhaps that's all they were putting on tape in those days ... well that and porn. Our parents would have to screen the horror movies first, not for the violence, but to make sure we hid our eyes during the sexy scenes. Because as we all know, a beheading via machete is okay for a little girl to watch, as long as there isn't a couple humping in the background! As a result of this previewing, they always knew what was coming and relished every jump, shout of surprise, and scream of fright.

This paid off in spades once for my father, because a the end of Friday the 13th, when the kid jumps out of the water and pulls the lead female from the boat, he knew it was going to happen. So what does good old dad do? He hides behind the couch where all three of my sisters and me, ages 10, 9, 7 and 7, all sat innocently watching the end of the film. When Jason jumps out of the water, Dad leap up from the back of the couch in the same sweeping motion, grabbing us up on a tight little group.

We all screamed.

And peed.

Screamed and peed.

Then screamed and peed some more.

I can honestly say, from the bottom of my black little heart, that it's the only time a movie scene genuinely scared the piss out of me. I think perhaps I have been chasing that same emotional reaction ever since. I think maybe that moment in time is etched into my memory, and my obsession with horror is merely an attempt to recapture that precious moment of fright.

Or maybe I just wanna have an excuse to pee on the couch again. Not that I need one. I mean, I am an adult now and it is my couch. But just peeing on it for no reason?
That's just .... weird.

I thought I should also mention yet another side effect of all the horror watching at a young age. For the longest time I associated sex with death. It's a natural thing, I suppose, with this whole idea that sex itself is one step from death. But in this case I genuinely believed that sex lead to your mortal demise. (Not just your moral demise.) Why? Well think about it: you watch two folks necking, are told by your mother to turn your head, and when you are allowed to look back again the happy couple is now happily split ... into pieces spread all over the place! A head here, a liver there, and what led to this terrible fate ?

That's right, sex!

Thus well into my teenage years I really believed that sex started off with kissing but always ended with someone getting an arrow in the throat.

Turned out I wasn't too far off, eh? Tee hee hee!

Feel free to post your favorite horror movie scares, with or without couch pissing fright.
Later taters,
Tonia

Lamentable Language

2011-11-12T17:10:00.000-08:00

Language is tricky. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but there are some words that can impart far more than a photograph could ever hope to convey. Love is one. I love you. That's nice, isn't it? A picture of a baby in it's mother's arms may paint that same sentiment, but when your loved one says, "I love you," the feeling is much deeper. Hate is another one of these words. I hate you. Ugh, what a terrible thing to hear! You would be hard pressed to capture my hatred for certain folks on the page without drawing the actual word itself.

In regards to this whole idea, I ran into a problem recently with the new novel I'm working on. The story is set in the late 1800's, and one of the characters is a freed slave. When it gets down to the nitty gritty of things, about 25k into it I found one, without warning, of my characters said the N word.

(You know the one.)

I typed the word. I sat and looked at it. And I was shocked. This comes from a woman who writes erotica for fun. I can type the word cock or cunt without thinking twice, but this word forced me into a blush. For some reason when I decided to make the lead male a man of color, the word wasn't something I thought would come up. I think perhaps because it's a word I avoid, even though I hear it on a weekly basis. (I live in the South, folks. People still say it here. Unfortunately.) I didn't know what to do with it. Delete it? Mask it? Pretend it didn't happen? It was a puzzler. I felt not to use it would seem untrue to the time and situations. At the same time, I really, really hate that word! (go on, draw it out ... I dare you ...)

I'm ashamed to say that I even considered changing the character's race. I thought perhaps it wasn't terribly important to the tale that he be black. But then again changing that one point, that one characteristic, would've changed everything about the man and in the end it would have altered the soul of the novel. Theophilus Jackson is a man of color. I couldn't make him not be. It might be untrue to the time period to censor the N word, but it would be even worse to change everything about it, and him, just to avoid the word.

My sister solved the conundrum for me by pointing out that it isn't my voice speaking ... it's the story's voice. It isn't my opinion about race I am expressing, it's the bigoted opinions of a fictional character. I thought about this, putting it into perspective for all of my novels. If I take weight for everything everyone of my characters have ever said, then I would be a devil and an angel, a whore and a virgin, a mother and a murderer, a sadist and a masochist, a bigot and a hippie all at the same time.

And maybe I am.

Perhaps I am a little bit of all of these things, both terrible and wonderful. I'm not proud of my transgressions, and I try very hard not to display my good deeds like a badge of honor. But maybe, just maybe, a little of these things I am, good and bad, leak into the shadows of the characters I create. While they aren't a complete reflection of me, I can see so much of myself in them.

Maybe you do too.

But back to the N word, yes? The trouble with the whole thing is that while the word was standard description for the African American during that time(whether meant in hate or just said in passing) the word has twisted so much now that as soon as a reader sees it they will think RACIST! This is fine for that character because he's not a very nice man, but I really didn't want the word to become a cudgel wielded by the 'bad guys.' Then again, I couldn't see the 'good' characters saying it in our frame of mind. In the end I meditated upon it for a while and decided that minimum usage in this case would obtain maximum effect. I use the word Negro quite often, and colored (both of which were also in large use at the time) and the N word about twice.

I think my point of sharing this with you is this:

Don't speak for your characters.

Let them speak for themselves, and everything will fall into place.

Later taters,
Tonia

Riddling Richard

2011-11-07T07:27:00.000-08:00

Wowzers! October had me jumping like a June bug on a hot frying pan. Sorry to leave you folks hanging. I had several more interviews to post, and was sure I'd get around to it on my loverly lengthily vacationy, but alas the whole week slipped away and here we are.

And ... here we are.

So, back into the fray with another interview of a man I can't help but admire. Smart, clever, handsome, wordy, all around bad ass Richard Godwin is a writer of noir, crime, and horror. Oh and he's a playwright to boot. (Black satires! Who knew!) His first crime novel ‘Apostle Rising’ was released on March 10, 2011 and is available online and on the shelves of all good bookstores. I had the chance to pin him down and ask him a few short questions to which he gave us a few short answers. British spelling included at no charge.

What is your favorite genre to read and why? What's your least?

I don't have one. I read almost every genre conceivable because literature and storytelling are organic.

Ever notice that cherry flavoured things don't usually taste like cherry? Red just tastes ... red. In that sense, what is your preferred food color? (example: I like yellow when it's supposed to be banana, but not lemon.)

I eat cherries, real cherries. Artificial tastes and colours are annoying. I don't think I have a favourite food colour. To me it is about how all the colours merge on the plate.

If you could talk to one animal type on the planet, which would it be and why?

I wouldn't because I couldn't. Dr Doolittle was tripping out.

Who do you consider to be the most influential writer of the last twenty years?

Cormac McCarthy. He took America back to the frontier and tipped it on its head.

What moves you to create?

The desire to explore the human condition.

If you knew you had exactly one year left alive, would you spend it any differently than you do now?

I would still write. I would also spend more on fine wines.

Coffee, tea or soda?

Coffee.

If you had to eliminate either Orwell's 1984 or Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451, which would you get rid of? (eliminate as in they were never written)

I wouldn't I never take either or choices Aristotle started that and he is responsible for major pathologies, hey buy a car but it has to be a Ford or a Vauxhall. I would let them copulate and become one thus creating a new prophetic model.

Sneakers, sandals or barefoot?

Italian leather.

What is your favourite/scariest monster?

The President.

********

Richard Godwin is the author of bestselling crime novel Apostle Rising, in which a serial killer is crucifying politicians

http://www.richardgodwin.net/
http://www.blackjackalbooks.com/order

He is a widely published crime and horror writer, and his next novel will be published early next year.

*********

Thanks again for letting me pick your brain, Richard. And yes I went this whole interview without referring to him as Dick. Except for just then. I think I did rather well!

Later taters,

Tonia

Goosing Gregory

2011-10-17T05:16:00.000-07:00

October is always a busy month for me. Between our birthday (I'm a twin, remember?) and the Ren Faire and Halloween and Samhain and the turning of the season, I'm on the run every weekend, and try to worm out of work every week so I can get other stuff done. Meanwhile, there is still the blogs to update and writing to work on and so much other stuff to get done. Especially when the husband announces his costume idea two weeks before the party, and of course there is sewing involved. *le sigh*

October is fun, but exhausting.

No worries, for this week I have a real treat for you. I ~~suckered~~ convinced the wonderful and faboo Gregory Hall to give us a quickie. And by convinced I mean suckered. And by quickie I mean a small interview. Though Greg assured me that he would be glad to provide real quickies to anyone that asked. (something about tons of experience with that sort of thing.... don't ask me...)

I must confess, I don't know a damned thing about this strange man aside from his pin number and tastes in underwear, so here's a description I stole from Amazon:

Gregory has a long history in comedy and theater. He is a national Telly Award winner and creator of the Baltimore Comedy Fest as well as dozens of original works for stage and video/film. His biggest claim to fame during these years is that he was once hugged by Pat Morita of The Karate Kid.

Without further ado, let the probing commence:

You’ve worked in many areas of the entertainment industry. Which have you enjoyed working the most?

Yeah, I've been a writer, director, actor, comic. I guess my proudest moments have been as a cue card holder for porns. When you see the end product and how professional everyone comes off, it brings a tear to my eye.

Describe your entire life up to this point using exactly five words.

No shit. That just happened.

If a genie offered to change you into a woman for one day, would you take him up on it?

Can I keep the beard? Because I make a good looking woman. I mean I would guess I do.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if he were a zombie? (Please show your math.)

Zero. At the point he became a zombie, he'd be too busy chucking other woodchucks and one very slow ocelot.

Loads of artists claim they work better with the assistance of psychotropic aids. Have you ever created under the influence of such things? If so, do you think the result was helped or hindered by it? (And yes, alcohol is included in this definition.)

Back in my standup days I always hit the stage drunk. When I got sober it took me a long time to perform again because I thought the booze was my edge. Now 25 yrs later I realize that was so wrong. Before I do anything creatively now, I sex it up with Amish prostitutes and that is what drives me forward.

Can you tell me who wrote the book of love?

Al Gore?
*******

Thanks so much Gregory! I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with us. Greg's well known in many circles for his hilarious blogtalk show The Funky Werepig, and he's also quite the accomplished writer. Check out his novel At The End of Church Street, and be sure to look him up on Amazon for his other works.

Later taters!

Analyzing Americana

2011-10-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

I recently went to a steampunk convention where I gave a lecture on the value of steampunk set in America. I delivered it in a but of a rush, because I was harried and late thanks to an accident on I85. The lecture was sparsely attended but those who came seemed to enjoy it. I thought I would post the full prepared lecture here for your amusement. I suppose it is sort of a defense of American steampunk. Take it as you will.

American Steampunk

There’s Gold in them Thar Hills!

When we say the words Victorian Era, many of us immediately think British Empire. We think cockney merchants hawking handmade wares from the backs of wooden wagons. We think sea soaked sailors pulling into port, their ships filled with exotic spices and foreign diseases. We think bawdy prostitutes lingering in darkened doorways offering us a glimpse of sin for just a shilling. Maybe two.

It’s a natural leap to make, after all the time period is named after the monarch of England, so why wouldn’t we go straight to the muddy streets of London when we hear the words Victorian Era. But the Victorian Era isn’t a place; it’s a time frame. From 1837-1901 Queen Victoria ruled the British, true, but the years themselves are far richer than just a single country, or for that matter a single empire.

Now when we say steampunk, we think Victorian Era, and once again we find our minds and creativity drifting towards jolly old England. For example, imagine this plotline for a possible tale:

London England, 1869. The streets are a nightmare of congestion; overcrowded with carriages, bursting with bustling pedestrians and overflowing with garbage and rats and those who have no other place to go. Enter one inventor, with a revolutionary idea. His plan? Take transportation underground by building a series of pneumatic tubes to carry people across the length of the city via airflow provided by 48 foot fans. But he had one obstacle; the head of the largest transportation company in the city all but controlled the streets, and had no plans on losing his grip to some underground roustabout. Our intrepid inventor would have to build it in secret, right under the noses of the boss man and his shareholders. Under the pretenses of building a pneumatic mail system, he constructs his secret project and opens the line to the surprise of the public. But thanks to a failing economy and the ever increasing pressure of the competition, the line dies out with a quiet whimper, leaving behind a series of abandoned tunnels and broken dreams.

Sound like a good set up for a fantastic steampunk tale, doesn’t it? Sure it does! The thing is, while the whole thing sounds like a great slice of fiction, is actually fact. Only it didn’t happen in London. It happened in New York City. In 1869 Alfred Beach built and operated the world’s first pneumatic transportation system and the precursor to the subway, all in secret and much to the dismay of the powers that be. It crashed about the same time as the stock market, taking his dreams to a dire and desolate grave.

I relate this interesting piece of Americana as a point. A simple reminder that the Victorian Era is a time, not a place. And with a history as technologically rich as ours, a genre like steampunk should really write itself.

Let’s talk about the genre for just a moment, so we can get a better understanding of where American steampunk comes from.

Author Jess Nivens put forth the idea that steampunk first developed as a kind of reactionary movement against the Edisonade; the popular pulp fiction genre aimed toward young males that featured righteous American explorers (usually young men) conquering barbaric natives and exercising good old fashioned Manifest Destiny. He states that steampunk’s real purpose was to lay bare the dark underbelly of the Victorian Era. According to him, steampunk was designed to play upon the vast financial gulf between rich and poor, to expose the lack of healthcare and education for the underprivileged, and to point up the dire need for social changes and the borderline revolutionary atmosphere so inherent to Victorian Era England, all in an attempt to mirror the much needed changes in our contemporary society, whether here in America or anywhere else.

Nivens also suggests that steampunk presents itself in waves of generations; the first generation (or as he puts it ‘true’ steampunk) featured gritty dystopian settings, explored social and cultural themes and was British in nature; the second generation focused more on adventure and technology rather than social issues, and is typically not based in England, or rather not restricted to the place. By his definition, second generation steampunk is a return to the roots of the genre. It delves back into the waters of the Edisonade by featuring adventurous tales rife with American settings, but with a slight difference; the authors penning these tales have the history of Manifest Destiny to look back on, both the good and the bad.

Most authors of this second generation grew tired of the bleakness of the original steampunk movement, but fell in love with the trappings of it. They fill their tales with clockworks and corsets and flying contraptions, and while they may tip their hats to those social issues that plagued the Victorians (as well as us) they tend to shy away from making these themes a focal point, aiming instead to keep the tempo upbeat and the stories lighthearted.

This is by no means a hard and fast rule, for many steampunk novels set in America are by no means lighthearted. Cherie Priest's Boneshaker, for example, is set in western America, which suggests that it is second generation steampunk, but creates a dystopian alternate history complete with zombies. Felix Gilman’s Half Made World is set in the weird west, but one wouldn’t describe it as shiny or feel good. (Both labels attributed to the second generation of steampunk.) My erotic novella series, Clockworks and Corsets, explores the various roles of women during the Victorian Era, from ballroom to bedroom, by playing upon the responsibilities, bravery and fiery spirit of the female pioneers that settled the old west.

The old west seems to be the favorite focus of steampunk authors that base their stories on American soil, and it’s easy to see why. That great push into the western front shaped our nation. It gave us much needed land and resources and became a springboard for the advancement of technology. As they say, necessity is the mother of invention! The expansion of the railroad alone is a hotbed of technological development. Hence the Wild West is a hotbed for steampunk stories.

Of course there is a darker side to this Wild Western history. For example our mistreatment of the natives, or how we wiped out entire species just for sport, or how we destroyed our own citizens in the name of the railroad, or any of the hundreds of other travesties we’ve committed along the way. Again, most steampunk authors don’t outright ignore such things, but they tend not to focus on them either. Why? Are we shying away from our past out of embarrassment? Or is it simply a case of what makes for good entertainment?

After all, we aren’t writing history books. We’re writing fiction.

I suppose what I am trying to get at is this: American history is rich. From the Civil War to the Wild West, the Victorian Era saw America through some fascinating times. We had our own mouthy merchants and swarthy sailors and haughty harlots. We had pirates and bandits and cowboys and Indians. We had uprisings and exoduses. We had assassinations and political coups. We had Edison, Tesla and Bell. We had Florence Nightingale and Calamity Jane and Annie Oakley. Our nation grew, and nearly collapsed and then exploded into the size it is today, all within the span of the Victorian Era.

Lets look at Victorian America, so we can get a general idea of the kind of steampunk stories, both first and second generation, lay hidden under her veneer. (I am by no means an American history buff, so this next part is pulled mostly from Wikipedia and various websites)

The Industrial Revolution was partly responsible for the lifestyle of the wealthy, but created a body of new rich who threatened the status of the old. Culturally, these new rich were very different, unsure what it was to be rich they created a class all their own. To distance themselves from the new rich, the old rich created "society" made up of "proper families." Newly rich people could not easily join society, except perhaps in New York City, where they could buy their way in, but their children could if they married into an old family.

In 1849, thousands of Americans flooded the western territories looking for gold. This influx of folks boosted California’s population from about 14,000 in 1848 to over 200,000 in 1852. The majority of these folks, left empty handed from failed mining expeditions and with no other place to go, settled into California and helped shape the new frontier.

The Civil War was a time of awareness and change in American culture. 750,000 Americans died during the war out of a population of 31 million. Among men aged 18–35 about 20% had died by the end of the war. The war accounted for roughly as many American deaths as all American deaths in other U.S. wars combined. The war destroyed much of the wealth that had existed in the South. Income per person in the South dropped to less than 40% than that of the North, a condition which lasted until well into the 20th century. Southern influence in the US federal government, previously considerable, was greatly diminished until the latter half of the 20th century.

As industrialization moved workers from farms and home workshops into urban areas and factory work, children were often preferred, because factory owners viewed them as more manageable, cheaper, and less likely to strike. In 1852, Massachusetts required children to attend school. In 1853, Charles Loring Brace founded the Children's Aid Society, which worked hard to take in children living on the street. The following year, the children were placed on a train headed for the West, where they were adopted, and often given work. This orphan train didn’t stop operations until the 1920’s.

The years between 1850 and 1890 saw phenomenal growth in the US railroad system, which at its peak constituted one third of the world's total mileage. Although the American Civil War placed a temporary halt to major new developments the conflict did demonstrate the enormous strategic importance of railways at times of war. After the war major developments include the first elevated railway built in New York in 1867 and the symbolically important first transcontinental railway was completed in 1869.

Sexual discrimination was rampant surrounding the idealistic impression that aristocratic women should be "pure" and "clean." This paradoxical form of repression used positive words to restrict upper-class Victorian-era women from becoming "dirty" with the jobs that would have provided them with economical freedom and the lifestyles that would have provided them with social freedom. It was sometimes even claimed that "decent" women were untroubled by sexual pleasure. It was taboo to even mention the words "leg" or "breast." Women covered their legs to a much greater extreme than they do today. Even the bare skin of an ankle was considered risque. In contrast, cleavage was not sexualized to the extent that it is today. Cleavage lines that would be normal by some of today's standards would have been controversial for even the most "decent" middle-class woman in Victorian England.

All in all you can see, there is a vast history to work with here. Americana is a gold mine of facts and figures, inventors and luminaries. While there is nothing wrong with British based steampunk, there is also nothing wrong with American based steampunk.

In the end, it’s all water from the same boiler.

Darling David

2011-09-23T04:25:00.000-07:00

The next installment in my spur of the moment interview series is a man who needs no introduction.

But I'm gonna give him one anyways, because I just love to talk about him! David Naughton-Shires is a Renaissance man of the highest degree. Artist, author, publisher, cheese maker ... okay so he dosen't really make cheese but if he did I can guarantee it would be the best cheese evah!

Without further ado, here he is:

*********

I'm consistently amazed at the artwork (covers and other work) you produce. When did you discover you had a talent for drawing?

I started drawing at a very young age I was practically born with a red crayon in my hand, I had a great art teacher at school and went onto third level college where I studies art and graphic design. On top of this I think a lot of it was genetic as my grandfather was a sign writer in the old tradition and he taught me plenty about composition and the like.

Who's your biggest artistic influence? How about writing influence?

I don’t really have one particular influence for either of the arts, I love the works of Hieronymus Bosch and the masters like DaVinci, and am a big fan of the WW2 ‘propaganda imagery. As for writing like most horror-head I have read all of Kings work, James Herbert, Richard Laymon, and Graham Masterton but my ‘new’ faves are Jonathan Maberry, david Moody and Wayne Simmons.

What drew you into the wild world of publishing? (yes that was a pun)

I think it was because I often found it hard to communicate with the small presses out there. I will not disrespect any out there as all have their strengths but with KnightWatch I wanted communication to be paramount, also some of the quality of covers, editing and formatting I felt didn’t match the quality of the stories inside and although very new to it I am hoping KnightWatch will gain a reputation of just that quality. I am using great editors, a brilliant formatter and right now am doing most if not all of the covers myself so they are amazing ;)

When selecting works for your anthologies, what makes a good story for you?

It is in the main the editors who choose the stories for the anthologies (I read and choose novella and novels) but if they are unsure about a story I will make the final choice. They know what I and by extension KnightWatch like. It has to be a bit different from the standard ‘group stuck in a ‘enter location’ fighting a horde of Zombies, it has to be well researched and in the main quite a ‘pacey’ story. I do like the use of grammar to be correct and of course spelling but can overlook some minor problems as that is why we have editors ;)

If you could do cover art for any classic book, which would you like to try? (think Poe and Shelly for this one)

Nice question, I am thinking of the two you mentioned it would have to be Frankenstein, but a big choice would be 1984 by Orwell

(And he did one for us too!)

If you had to redact one of the following films from history, obliterating even the very idea of it, which could the world do without, Sean of the Dead or Zombieland?

Evil question as I always watch these two together but the answer is ‘Zombieland’ as I am a Simon Pegg fan through and through...
*********

Thanks for the conversation David! You can check out more about our friend at both his graphic business website, The Image Designs, and his publishing website, KnightWatch Press.

Diddling Dunwoody

2011-09-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

(Like the blog title? Yeah, me too! WOO HOO!)

It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day, and to celebrate, I have an interview with that favorite of favorite wise asses, David Dunwoody. Why do I associate him and ITLAPD? I don't. My post and this particular day are purely coincidental.

On that note, enjoy!

So, when did folks start calling you THE Dunwoody?
All blame rests at the feet (or hooves) of the Funky Werepig, Greg Hall. It probably started sometime in '09 and has followed me ever since. I think people just like saying "the dunwoody" because it sounds so dirty.

When reading, do you like humor in your gore? Gore in your humor? Sex in any of it? Or are you a single genre kind of guy?
I love genre-bending and blending. Whenever I'm reading a story and it veers outside the perceived boundaries of its genre, that's when it really gets its hooks into me. I think you can crossbreed pretty much any type of tale. With humor in particular, a lot of writers point out what an asset it can be in a horror tale, heightening the terror by contrast.

What drives you to write?
I guess the simple answer is that I just love telling stories and sharing ideas. There is an aspect to it that seems almost compulsive. Stories seem to crop up in my brain no matter what, and the best I can do is get them out onto paper (word processor, rather) and hope I got it right.

Boiled, poached, scrambled or sunny side up eggs?
Sunny side up, yolks bleeding onto a bed of hashbrowns. Oh man, I know what I'm having for lunch today. And dinner.

You waited til the last minute, and now only have two costumes left at the Halloween store to pick from, Michael Myers or Freddy Kruger. Which do you go for?

I've always been more of a Myers guy - I'm fascinated by that faceless face. It's something I would find far more unnerving and threatening than a guy who looks like a pile of crisp hashbrowns poured into a sweater. God I want hashbrowns and eggs.

If someone could guarantee your next book an overnight New York Times best seller in exchange for a pound of flesh cut away from your body by you, would you do it and where would you cut it from?
Ouch! Hmm, if I ever made the NYT I'd want to come by it honestly, but at the same time I could stand to lose a half-pound from either thigh. I guess I would do it, but purely for aesthetic reasons. *wink*

Thank you Mr. Dunwoody!

I think I will resist making sexual innuendo about taking the weight off your thighs by resting them here on my lap. Oh, wait ... I just did.

SHIT!

Well then, you can find out more about The Dunwoody from his website and his excellent Empire series here.

Later taters!

Lickable Lori

2011-09-16T06:19:00.000-07:00

Lickable? Was that supposed to be likable? No way! This is one hot, horror writing momma that is one hundred purr-cent lickable! WOOP!

I give you an interview with the ever indomitable Lori Titus!

What attracted you to writing horror as apposed to other genres?

I like the element of suspense, and the feeling of fighting against the unknown. If I hadn't been part of a family who were all horror fans, I might have leaned towards something else, but I doubt it. There is something about breaking the ordinary rules of how the world works that has always attracted me. Fiction allows everything that we can't experience to be real. Horror fiction pulls that off better than any other genre.

You host both a flash fiction website and an internet radio show, write novels and novellas and shorts and a serial, and maintain a job. How many hours are in your day? Seriously though, what drives you to keep on keeping on?

I didn't write for several years, and even when I was writing, I wasn't actively pursuing publication. Four years ago I decided that I was going to be more serious about pursuing my writing goals, and I have been going at it ever since. It's become enough of my routine now that I feel weird if I am not doing something geared towards writing. I'm not an author that writes every day, but I am always editing or reading, which are important parts of the process.

The website and the radio show both help give me steam to keep going. I get to hear stories from other people; not only their fiction, but how they started writing, the challenges and accomplishments they experienced along the way. I find that very inspiring. It reminds me that the only way to reach anyone with your writing is to start, and just keep going.

It helps that writing is my favorite hobby, so I have no problem committing the lion's share of my time outside my day job to it.

Which do you think is more cuddly, lions or tigers or bears? (oh my!)

Well, at the risk of being eaten alive by any of these creatures, I think that I'll go for the bear! Maybe it's because we all had teddy bears as kids. I love cats, but we all know how how angry the average house cat can get, much less one of their bigger, undomesticated cousins.

Which creature is your favorite to write about, vampires, werewolves or zombies?

My favorite used to be vampires, mostly for their ability to control humans and get away with it. That's changed over the years, for a couple of reasons. First, all monsters are meant to evoke certain emotions and reactions in humans. This is their greatest power-- the fear that they produce in those that are being stalked by them. On that playing field, all monsters are equal, even though our fear of them differs slightly.

Secondly, all traditional monsters have weaknesses, and you have to be careful how you apply them within your stories. Werewolves, in older forms of the legend, were pretty much stupid beasts with big appetites. I toy with werewolf lore in my own stories, giving them a culture and lineage that is a little separate from humans, but with tradition and history to go along with the hunger pangs.

Third, all monsters have their day. Literally. Zombies are popular right now because of their complete wrongness. Something dead and smelly just should not be able to walk and kill! There is a whole allegory to the decay of morals and society, so the creatures strike a chord of understanding in the reader.

My taste in monsters shifts depending on the time and the story.

Do you think female authors get the same treatment as males in horror , or is the genre a bit lopsided?

Female horror authors really do have a harder time getting recognized. Male driven stories are often expected, and with a few exceptions, these come from male writers. With the recent changes in the publishing industry, I hope this will change. Many horror fans are women, and I believe that everyone would like to see some part of their experience reflected in fiction.

If offered 10 grand by Vincent Price to stay in a haunted house overnight, would you do it? How would you stay out of trouble for the night?

Oh no, I'm going to be a chicken right now and say that I wouldn't. I've seen enough Vincent Price movies to know that they aren't expecting me to actually survive until the next morning!

Right on!

You should check out Lori's blog The Darkest of Lore and her ongoing flash fiction website, Flashes in the Dark.

Petrified Peering

2011-09-13T06:10:00.000-07:00

I have a treat for you folks! Yes sir, I sure do! Over the next few weeks I have some interviews lined up with some of my author pals. I just know you're gonna love 'em!

First up we have Craig Saunders, other wise known as Petrified Tank. (Why? Read on and learn!)

I see you have a number of works published, and I'm sure you're waiting on answers for a bunch more. What is your favorite piece you've written so far?

I got a fair few that I love, but my favourite is The Dancing Car, hands down. It’s been accepted by Aeon Press. The editor, John Kenny, liked it about three years ago, but the second editor liked another story of mine more, and took that. John Kenny wrote back to me, three years later, and asked for the story back. That’s the longest, and in some ways, the easiest route to publication I’ve ever had. It’s not every day an editor asks for a story after three years. The other story, Grass Can be Weeds, Too, was my first pay cheque. The Dancing Car was my first royalty cheque – Aeon Press and the magazine, Albedo One, will always be a special market for me. Man, that sounds cheesy, but I really do love them. Albedo One’s a beautifully put together magazine, too.

What do you have more fun with, shorts, novellas or novels?

I really like short stories, both to read and write. I can knock out a story in a day, usually, if I’m on form. A novel takes about a month, and I get impatient along the way. I can manage a day. 5000 words in a day isn’t unusual when I’m writing. Shorts, definitely – novella’s are frustrating, because I only ever end up with a novella when I run out of places to go for a novel.

You maintain a pretty active blog. What's the secret to keeping that posting drive going?

Short answer? I’m full of shit. I love a good ramble on the blog. I love that it’s mine. Once I did a talk on horror at my son’s school, and the teacher told me my blog was inappropriate for class to see, and could I change it? I didn’t have to think about it for long. It’s mine, totally. That’s quite satisfying. I blog about my writing, mainly, and use it as my spot for updates, but when the mood takes me I blog about zombies, pants, caterpillars, zombie caterpillars wearing pants, Cliff Richard, Nobel Peace Prize winners, the state of my bowels, mental illness, and sometimes do reviews. I suck at reviews. I’d much rather write nonsense about nightmares I have, or the things I think before going to bed. Here’s my favourite dream exercise...I like to think this, or pretend I’m a wizard, before dropping off to sleep...

When I've got a lot on my mind, I can't sleep. Never was one for lullabies, but here's a good one. I'm going to bed now. I'm going to listen to the wind rattling the fence outside, the scrabbling in the walls of mice or small gorgons...I'm not sure which...think about how to structure my new novel, wonder if the creaking of the stairs is the house settling (of course it is) or the man with the bloodshot eyes I saw in the supermarket coming to kill me with a sharpened shopping trolley, muse on agents, publishers, editors, short stories, long stories, think about how there feels like there's something on my neck, something small, like a beetle, crawling toward my ear, listen to it whisper to me in the dark and tell me...do it...do it...do it...and the door to the closet's open but I'm sure it wasn't earlier, and there's a torch shining through the window but we're upstairs, we're upstairs, and I can't hear my wife breathing, but then I can, and she's beside me, but it's so dark maybe it's not her...I'll think, this is not my beautiful wife, but then I'll think of Talking Heads, and maybe she'll turn to me and talk and when she does I'll scream because sometimes heads talk, they talk and they have no bodies or mouths and they whisper in your ear like a beetle, crawling, but their breath is wet and warm and their words beguile and do it, they say, do it, says the beetle...

That’s why I never run out of things to talk about on the blog – I’m full of shit! Answer for everyone else? Keep it broad. Don’t hamper yourself by trying to write about one thing and one thing only. Use it as therapy, catharsis, fun, nonsense...I’d also advise steering clear of politics and religion – that’s for the pub. Although I have rambled about both in the past!

And the question on everyone's lips: What does your moniker, Petrified Tank, really mean?

Do you know, I’ve never really thought about it on a conscious level. I think it’s me, because I’m a big lump and I’m scared of everything. Maybe that’s why I settled on it. I began to use it everywhere after Googling ‘Craig Saunders’ and realising that my name is as common as muck. I didn’t want a pseudonym because Saunders is my Dad’s name and he’s always done just fine by me. I didn’t want to get lost in Google, so I concentrated on one name to rule them all, one name to find them, one name to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. I’m kind of like Golem, though, not Sauron. I’m not an evil genius. I’m just a beast of fate. What am I talking about? If you don’t know, I’m not telling you. Because I don’t know, either.

Boxers or briefs?

Briefs. It used to be boxers. I read somewhere that boxers make a fella more fertile, but now I’ve got three kids, and I realise being more fertile is a mug’s game, expensive, and cuts into gaming time. I love gaming. The kids are OK, I guess. *chuckles* But yeah, briefs now. For reasons I won’t go into, save to say it involves a do-it-yourself vasectomy with a couple of bricks.

Which is more difficult, finishing a novel, raising a kid or quitting smoking?

Finishing a novel is really easy. You just sit down and do it. It’s a job. I don’t get paid very often and not very much. I’m small fry, but I’ve always approached writing as a job. Just do it. If you’re feeling crap, if you’ve got a cold, if it’s freezing in the study...none of these things is reason enough not to write. I’m a writer, whether I’m rich and famous or not.

Mostly not.

Kids or smoking is the tough part. Both are lifelong commitments. Apart from being a writer, I’m a house husband, too, so I’m with them most of the time. They’re lovely, and funny, and sweet, but drive me nuts, sometimes, too, and I’m the obsessive over-protective type of Dad – I wear myself out! I’ve had kids now for eight years...my wife and I have a teenager and two toddlers. Kids are mad hard, and it’s so easy to mess up being a parent. It’s the hardest, for sure. But then I haven’t actually managed to quit smoking as yet – my next try is, in fact, tomorrow...

So, kids, every time.

Thanks Tonia!

No thank you!

September Soliloquy

2011-09-11T03:43:00.000-07:00

September is a bit of a mixed bag of emotions for me.

On the one hand, fall is finally peeking it's little orange and brown head around the corner, ready to treat us to the three days of weather we all crave before it gets kicked in the balls by old man winter. (If you know nothing of this quick shifting weather I speak of, then you've never been to NC.)

And on the other it's back to school time. Sure it began in August, but September is when the kids hit their stride; making friends, hanging out, doing stuff together and always, always, always touching their noses and eyes and then putting those grubby little hands all over each other! Which, as an emergency room receptionist, makes for the onset of lots and lots of little ones sharing a crap ton of various colds and other viruses.

On my third grubby hand, it's Pagan Pride Day season, which itself is a whole 'nother mixed bag. Fun on one side, loads of work on the other, the whole event is meant to strike a cord of community and belonging within our local pagan family. Does it? I'm sure it does for many, while it only serves to drive a few other deeper into the broom closet out of fear of such extravagant exposure.

On my fourth paw, September is my anniversary month. This year I celebrate 15 years of love with my chubby hubby. Has it been easy? Yes, surprisingly enough it has. We've had our dips and dives like all couples, but unlike the majority of couples I know, our molehills remain molehills while those dreaded mountains encourage a partnership venture of climbing rather than solo attempts.

Then we come to the fifth hand, and an awful memory indeed. I speak of the September 11 attacks. Our generation refers to it much the same as the previous with that single question: where were you when you heard?

I was just settling down to dinner when I got the news. (Remember I work third shift, so your breakfast is my dinner.) My friend Deanna called me from work (she was the receptionist that relieved me that morning) to tell me I needed to turn on the TV. (She knew like so many others do, that I do not watch the news!) I did as she asked, and was floored. Absolutely floored. I remember staying up all day in tears as I watched the events unfold. Everyone reacted differently to it. Our anniversary, 3 days later, was a somber affair. Everything for about a year after that was. Months later I turned to my pen to relieve me of some of the anxiety I carried about. I wrote a poem, Remembering September, and it did make me feel a little better.

Time is of course the greatest healer of all wounds--as well as the greatest festerer. (is that a real word?) I know some people who preach 9/11 like its one of Christ's parables, warning us to never forget lest those evil Muslims kill us all. (not my words, theirs!) Some share their "I was washing dishes/eating cereal/screwing my mistress" stories every year out of the need for catharsis. Others just don't like to talk about it at all. And to put all of this into perspective, so much time has passed that there are kids out there right now who only know of the attack as a textbook event. They will never carry deep inside that black seed of fear and hatred and shock that those of us who watched the events unfold live will always have. And may the Gods bless and keep them so that they never will have a black seed of their very own.

I will leave you on this most sad and unusual of days with the poem I wrote, ten years ago, to help me deal with those tragic happenings. Keep in mind at the time the poignant bits were extra poignant. Now, well, they seem to have lost their luster but for the most part they are still true. At least in my heart.

Later my fellow American taters,
Tonia

Remembering September

They took from us our knowledge

And learned from us our skill

Then used these things against us

To break our nation’s will

They took from us our fathers

And when the deed was done

They left the crying mothers

Holding on to dying sons

They took from us our innocence

The safety we adored

We lost our sacred landmarks

For the brothers stand no more

The took from us our families

Replaced with empty graves

They took so much but never saw

The things that taking gave

They took from us our apathy

And then removed complacency

They also took the mockery

And gave us back our dignity

They meant to take our passion

And to put us in our place

They took from us inertia

And returned to us our grace

Miraculous Magic

2011-09-04T03:49:00.000-07:00

I'm Wiccan.
Didn't know if you lot knew that or not. So yes, I am. I wont go into all of the details because it would take many, many, many blog posts to really explain what that means. Some of you know. Some of you don't. Some of you want to know and the rest of you couldn't care less.

The reason I bring this up is because I wanted to talk about one of the things I believe as a Wiccan; magic. *insert corny joke or awesome song here *

Magic isn't fire shooting from your fingertips. It isn't foretelling the future. It certainly isn't controlling the environment or weather or economy. For (the majority of) us, magic is simply nothing more than change in conformance with will. In other words, if you put the energy and effort out there it will affect change in your life. It isn't a fix all or an easy cure, just another step to help someone along with something they are willing to take charge of and change themselves.

For example, quiting smoking.

There is no magic spell that will force you to quit. You have to want to quit. You can't keep sucking on those cancer sticks and expect some kind of pass of the hands or combination of words or special amulet to just make you stop lighting up. You must possess the will, the desire, the motivation before you can expect any help from a spell.

But if you do possess the will, the desire and the motivation, I know a simple sympathetic magic that might help you along with quitting for good.

To perform this task you will need the following items:
Your favorite brand of cigs (A new pack please, unopened. If you roll your own, then make enough to fill a small jar.)
A small jar with a lid
Scissors
The will to want change

First clear your mind before you begin. Just sit down at a table with these implements laid out before you and close your eyes a moment. Breath slowly. Focus on your desire to live a smoke free life. Focus on closing this chapter of your life and putting it behind you. Focus on wanting change.

Next, after you open your eyes of course, open the pack of cigarettes. Open your jar, if not already open. Take the cigarettes from the pack, one by one, and cut them up into the jar. As you cut them up, tell yourself over and over that you are finished smoking. If you insist on fancy words the you might say something like:
"With each cut I break the bond. With each snip I sever your hold."
Clip them up into the jar, making sure to catch all the bits as best you can. Cut up the package too, and really tell it that you don't want to see it in your house anymore!
Once done, curse or spit or shout into the jar. Make the cigarettes (and your subconcious) know that you are sick and tired of putting up with thier hold on you.
Close the lid.
At this point, if you believe in some higher power, then take a moment to ask for help. What I am saying here is to pray. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask your deity for assistance. Quitting smoking is a hard thing to do but your willingness to stop is the first step. Ask for help. Hold the jar between your hands and ask God, or Goddess, or the fluff in the dryer lint catcher, WHOEVER you think of as divine, to help you on this journey.
Lastly, and this is one of the most important bits, put the jar where you will see it everyday. Don't just leave it at work. Don't throw it in the back of your medicine cabinet. Put it where you will lay eyes at least once a day on it, preferably more. (My husband put his atop his monitor for a long while. Every time he sat at the computer he had to look at it. That was five years ago, and he hasn't smoked since.)

And there you are. The idea behind sympathetic magic is that you do something to encourage your subconcious to snap into gear. Hands on change, as it were. More than just saying I quit, you make a symbol of your commitment to quitting. And that symbol reinforces your desire and will every single day.

I hope this little spell work helps some of you. I know it's hard. I lived with a smoker for years and years. Again, magic will not quit smoking for you. You still have to do the hard work. A spell like this is just meant to help you along.

Later taters,
Tonia

Flash Fiction Finagling

2011-09-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

Hey cats and kittens!

Again I've been away far too long, but I must confess my time has been hard spent. I've had several bombs go off in my personal life (health and work and finances) and with the heat of summer atop this I've been a grumpity grump-grump in general, so perhaps it's best I didn't take out my aggression on the unsuspecting public. (That means you!)

Anywho, I'm here today on bended knee, imploring your assistance. I've entered a flash fiction contest and sure could use your help. They are collecting votes to determine the final five, which then will go under a panel of judges to pick the wiener. I mean winner! (If it was just a wiener I'd be a shoe-in.)

So, the idea was to take something 'bland' and make it 'grand.' I decided that gnats were pretty bland, and I had a great idea on how to make them grand for sure! The end results in a little ditty simply titled, "Gnats."
You can find it at this link:

CLICK ME! CLICK ME!

If you have time, read it, then click the +1 if you want to vote for it. You will have to enter your email and follow some instructions designed to keep folks from flooding the site with votes for one person. (Which I think is pretty cool.)
Either way, whether you vote or not I hope you like the story.

I'll try and make another blog this weekend if I can. I'm thinking I might do a bit on how to read your work aloud, and how to record it for podcasts.

Later taters,
Tonia