Book Signing!

Geesh, I almost forgot to blog about this. I am such a knucklehead sometimes.

I will be appearing at the book store Truely Unique tomorrow, May 18th, at noon in Wilson NC. Come on by and grab a copy of The Cold Beneath and hang with the twin and me. You can also pick up some cool stuff while you're there, cause the store is full of awesome stuff! 

Check this link for more information and directions. 

Can't wait to meet and greet ya!

And the winner is ...

We have a winner for the Gnomaggedon prize package! WOOP!

And the winner is ...

Ken J West!

Ken won a copy of the ebook, a copy of the print, and a cameo in the next book, Gnomaggeon II: Gnome Alone. 

Congrats Ken! I hope you enjoy the book and being part of the series. WOOP!

And the rest of you can follow this link to buy the book. 

Short Tie-in and Giveaway for Gnomaggedon

Gnomaggedon is here! Hooray!

CLICK ME TO BUY THE BOOK!


When I first began to write Gnomaggedon, it had a very different prologue. After the novel was done, I felt it needed a more form fitting beginning and end, so I changed the prologue to the existing one.  But I never forgot the original. As a treat, I give you the original prologue, in all of its gnomish glory. (story posted after prize widget)

There is also a chance to win a prize!

Follow the instructions on the Rafflecoptor widget below to enter in the Gnomaggedon contest. This is your chance to be featured in the next novel in the series, Gnomaggedon II: Gnome Alone!

There is only one prize package, but lots of ways to enter, so good luck!


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Bad News Bearers 

In which Piddles and Diddles brings the Gnomish court some fairly bad news.

Piddles and Diddles Littlebottom hustled their family's trademark attribute through the royal gates, across the royal garden, down the royal hallway, right into the royal throne room. King Harry the First, Lord of all Gnomes and Master of all he surveyed--which was quite a lot, considering he was just over a foot tall--stood from his seated position on the royal throne and thundered in a very impressive royal voice at the two interlopers.

"Interlopers!" he thundered.

"Your highness!" Piddles cried as he dropped to one knee.

Diddles was already on his knees. Being a gnome of some girth, he had trouble managing the single knee action, so he usually opted for both knees, claiming it was more reverent that way.

"Oh go highness yourself," King Harry said. "How dare you storm in here uninvited and unannounced like that. It's just rude."

"King Harry," Piddles gasped, because he was quite out of breath. Running for almost two days straight carrying an important message that could change all of the Gnomic race for always will do that to a gnome. "We bring dire news from west of the-"

But King Harry would give no quarter on his position. "Who do you think you are? King? Bloody well not, because I'm king, laddies. I'm the king here." King Harry waved his hands about, to illustrate the difference between the three of them. "You're just ... not kings."

"You must listen to us," Diddles said. "Our new is of utmost-"

"I must what?" King Harry lifted his skirts, or rather his royal robes, and trotted down the few steps that separated him from the common commoners. "Listen here you pointy hatted git, I was in the middle of telling a perfectly good joke and you to twats ruined it for me. Ruined it! Forever and always! How dare you ruin my joke. I was just about to deliver the punch line."

"And it was bound to be a delightful punch line I'm sure," said Mrs. King Harry from her royal but much more feminine throne. Though we should probably call her Queen Lucetta. Because that's her name, don't you know?

"It was," King Harry said as he looked back upon the smiling face of his Queen with a gentle, loving smile. "It was a delightful punch line. You were going to laugh so hard, and I was going to smile at you laughing, because you know how much I love to hear you laugh, my little peach-"

Unable to contain himself any longer, Piddles leapt to his feet and shouted, "Shut up!" Piddles then covered his mouth, but it was too late, the words were out there, hanging in mid air between him and the King.

The now very angry King. "Did you just tell me to shut up?"

Piddles nodded. He tried to shake his head, tried to lie, but every ounce of royal messenger training in him forbade him from lying to his liege.

"I thought as much," King Harry said. He hooked his thumb to two burly gnomes that stood on either side of the royal thrones.

Each was roughly the size of a miniature gorilla.

"Do you see these gnomes behind me?" King Harry asked. "Do you know what they do for a living?"

"Please sire," Diddles said. "We have something of grave importance to tell you."

"Guards!" King Harry yelled. "Seize them!"

"Sire! You must hear us out!"

King Harry turned his back on the warning and tiptoed up his royal stairs. "Nope. I don't want to hear another word from either of you."

"Please, your highness!" Piddles cried as the guards dragged the pair of brothers away. "You have to ready the army! They are on their way! We must prepare before it it’s too late! They're coming! If we don't act now it will be far too-" Piddles's voice echoed off into the hallway, then came to an abrupt stop when the heavy doors slammed right in mid warning.

"Now," King Harry said to his Queen. "Where was I?"

"You were about to say the punch line," Queen Lucetta said.

"Oh yes. What was it again?"

Queen Lucetta, Flower of the Eastern lands and doting mother to the whole kingdom, sat ramrod straight and recited, "If I had a vagina, all of this would be mine."

King Harry frowned. "Oh, poo. You've heard it already."

Now, it might've been of interest to a anyone listening just what sort of message the Littlebottom brothers were trying to convey. It should have been of interest to King Harry the First, Lord of all Gnomes and Master of all he surveyed. It was not of interest to Queen Lucetta, but only because the news was so terrible, and she hated terrible news. It was certainly of great interest to their subjects, both gnome and non-gnome alike, all across the kingdom. Even the rest of Malgaria not under gnome reign would've liked to have known.

Because the zombies were coming.

And it was going to take a hell of a lot more than a well timed punch line to stop the undead menace.

**** 

Gnomaggedon It On!

Oh my goodness! I nearly forgot to post it here. Gnomaggedon releases this Saturday, so as a treat I am holding a four hour release party via Facebook.

You can join the event here!

I've been posting snippets and fun facts about the characters. I will also do a character reveal during the event, with playable stats and everything! Be sure to join in because there will be a crapton of prizes. In fact I will give something away every hour on the hour, and will also run a week long contest starting from that Saturday. Here is a list of the awesome things I will give away:

10am-11am: An ebook of Gnomaggedon
11am-12pm: An ebook of Gnomaggedon and your choice of one ebook from Tonia's available novels.
12pm-1pm: An ebook of Gnomaggedon and your choice of two ebooks from Tonia's available novels.
1pm-2pm: An ebook of Gnomaggedon and your choice of two ebooks from Tonia's available novels, and a special made to order sketch of a scene from the book (your choice!) by our artist Denise Lahmon.

Week long contest with grand prize (entries accepted starting April 20th up till April 27th): An ebook of Gnomaggedon, a print copy of Gnomaggedon, and the opportunity to be written into the next book.

 Join in! It's gonna be a blast! WOOOOOP!

Later taters,
Tonia

Pull up your shorts!

Hey peeps!

Here is a bit of an update on the things going down in Tonia town lately. Lots of news so strap in and we will trip all your triggers before we're done. Settled in? Good! First up, I've got a few shorts in some anthologies coming out.

 The first anthology is Machina Mortis: Tales of Steampunk'd Terror. It's a groovy little number with a lot of fun and gruesome steampunk tales. As you guys are well aware, I am all about steampunk horror, so finding myself in an anthology full of them is sweet. I've been waiting on this one for awhile now, and it is finally here!

This one holds a favorite tale of mine, "The Thumping in the Basement." I sure hope you guys like it. 

 CLICK ME TO BUY THE ANTHOLOGY! WOOP!

The second anthology is another one I have eagerly awaited. "For the Night is Dark" features all kinds of amazing stories from wonderfully talented people like Armand Rosamilia, Scott Nicholson, and G.N. Braun. I am please to wiggle my rump right in next to these awesome folks and sit down to a buffet of terrifying tales.

This one holds my story "Lost and Found." It is one of the few tales that I actively wrote with a particular person in mind--not that I want her dead or anything, she just fit the character so well I couldn't help but adopt her manners, speech patterns and even employment.

CLICK ME TO BUY THE ANTHOLOGY! WOOP!

In other news, I am awaiting word back from a few publishers on some submissions for novels. One is brand new and includes serial killers and werewolves, while the other is a recently released novel I am shopping to larger presses These things take time, but the minute I get news, you will be the first to know. Okay, so maybe the husband will find out first, but you next. I promise! 

Meanwhile I am in edits and final cover design for another self published novel. Those of you who follow my Facebook page will recognize this one from about six months or so ago. I quoted it pretty heavily when it was a work in progress. Some of you have asked here and there about whatever happened to it. Well, ask no more! Gnomaggedon should be out in a few weeks. This one is a fantasy/humor/horror work. Yeah, all three, and all awesome. I can hardly wait to unleash this beast on y'all. It had been a few months since I read it last, and I found myself laughing out loud during edits. 

Okay then, that's all for now, but stay tuned! WOOP!

Later taters,

Tonia  

  

Sexy Interview Time

I am a horrible blogger, but to be fair I do a lot of other stuff. Between the night job, the writing, the church, Tonia Time for TMV Cafe, and then Tonia Time with the husband (zing!) I try to catch some sleep with what few minutes I have left. Okay, so maybe that's just an excuse to make me feel better for not blogging. You know I think I spend half of this blog promising to blog more. Maybe I should just post that once a week. 

I promise to blog more.

I also promise not to eat any more tater chips but I don't think that is going to happen either. 

So, let's just move along, shall we?

Speaking of Tonia Time with the spouse, we recently visited an adult store (sounds like a place where they sell adults!) to replace a few essential toys in the bedroom. While I was there, I got to talking with the young lady behind the counter about her unusual work. After a few minutes of gabbing, which I think made the guys in the store really uncomfortable, I asked her if she would mind an interview for my blog. She graciously agreed, then ran a battery check on my new vibe and sent me and the spouse on our merry way.

Anywho, without further ado, here is Amanda's interview. Enjoy!

******

I have a guest on yea olde bloge today, and I am very excited about her! Amanda works at a local adult bookstore, my favorite one by the way, and has agreed to answer a few questions concerning her profession and other stuff. Aaaaaaaand, away we go! 

1) Why don’t we start by telling us a bit about yourself? 

I’ll be 21 on the 28th of this month. I’ve been told I’m the best aunt ever, lol. :) I love working with people. I’ll be finishing my Associate’s Degree in Graphic Design this summer. And last but not least, I work at an adult store, where I’ve been about a year and a half now.

2) I suppose one of the most common questions you get, and yeah I’m gonna ask it too, is how did you get wrapped up in working at an adult bookstore? 

Honestly, I just needed a job that was closer to home and flexible with my school schedule. There was an ad in the paper that the store was hiring so I went and applied and got hired. It was as simple as that, lol.

60% of the time, EVERYTIME! To bad it wasn't 69%.

3) As a chick in a porn store, how do the customers treat you? Do they get shy about purchases? (Because I know I sure as hell aint!)  Do they ever ask your advice as a lady?

I get ALL kinds of things every day....some customers hit on me, some customers avoid eye contact, some customers talk to me like I’m there long lost friend.

Customers who are very closed off are a bit shy and uncomfortable at times, but I have a thing for being able to make people a little more easy going in the store.

I get asked for advice all the time, which I am more than eager to give! I love making sure the customers get their money’s worth.

4) If you could either breathe under water or walk through walls, which would you choose, and why?

That’s a super tough question...they would both have their perks. Even though I am door challenged, ultimately I think I’d go with breathing under water though, it sounds more fun and beneficial.

This Dalek was listed on Google Images under "adult, sex, toy."

5) Do you have a favorite sex toy? Do you buy stuff from the store you work at or do you prefer to shop elsewhere?

I do have a favorite sex toy of my own, but every time we get new products in it tends to change, lol. I mostly buy stuff from the store where I work but occasionally I do shop elsewhere, just depends on what I’m shopping for. We don’t carry bondage related items, so if I want something in that area I have to go elsewhere.

6) Who you gonna call? (If your response is not Ghost Busters, please explain, and show your work.)

How could anyone not answer Ghost Busters?!?!?! *cue theme music*

7) Do you get a lot of women in the store? Are they alone or usually part of a couple, or in great big honking groups like a gaggle of sex toy crazed geese?

I do get a lot of women in the store. It’s kind of diverse how they come in though, the majority of women tend to come with a friend, with their significant other, or alone. On certain nights we get insanely annoying groups of young females who giggle at everything...but the same can be said for men as well.

Calm down! It's just a banana holder. Or is it?

8) Do you enjoy porn? If so, what format? (I prefer the written word, though I do enjoy the occasional film now and again.)

Sometimes I do. I’ve read a few of them but I mainly watch it online.. I’m a visual learner so watching can have its benefits.

9) It’s the zombie apocalypse, and you are packing to flee for the hills. What are the three most important things you take with you? (Aside from essentials like food and water and the likes.)

1. My camera, that way in case I live I’ll have proof that I am insanely bad-ass for not getting my brain eaten.

2. A sex toy, hiding from zombies may get lonely and orgasms relieve stress...so it’d only make sense. ^_^

3. Ummmmmm......a weapon of some type maybe? I’m normally not violent but if someone is trying to devour my brains it would probably be a good life choice.

10) Is there anything you would like to add? Any projects you want to pimp or words of advice for our readers?

I just think people should be a bit more open with their life....after all you only live it once. Don’t be afraid of what some sales clerk or other customer may think, as long as you’re happy that’s all that matters!

Thanks so much, for braving the blog, Amanda! 

****

Ever had one of those days?

And thanks so much for checking in with me today, folks. I will see what I can do about making this a habit. ;) 

Later taters,

Tonia  

How to Skin a Zombie

Today I have a special guest post for you.

When I wrote Skin Trade, I consulted a professional trapper for much of the material. (Any liberties I took with the process are my own fault.) That trapper is one of my good friends, Drew Mellon. Though we talked about the basics of trapping zombies, we hardly touched the act of skinning them. I didn't want to go into too much skinning detail in the book, so I was able to use the brief material we covered to fill in the gaps. Since then lots of folks have asked about the process specifically, and I myself have wondered as well.

How do you skin a zombie?

I asked Drew if he could enlighten us, and he did us one better. He wrote us a whole explanation in the form of the Skin Trade process.

So, without further ado, I give you To Skin a Zombie:

*****

To Skin a Zombie

By Drew Mellon

The secrets to skinning zombies are closely guarded. Only family members or close family friends ever learned the tricks of the trade. So why am I telling you now? Well, I've been in this trade many years now, and my hands aren't what they used to be, nor is the trade. The skin trade industry has become corrupt, and green horn skinners are turning themselves because of ignorant mistakes in the skinning process.

First thing, you need the tools of the trade: a good knife--not one of those stainless steel shiny things, but a good carbon steel blade. They just skin these things better. You need a skinner. You can use pliers, but they become greasy from the fat and oily skin, causing slipping of the skin. Just get you a skinner tool made for frogs; they work the best. You also need a gambrel. One used for deer will be good.

The second thing, and this is an important one, make sure the damn thing is dead. There ain't nothing like having one hanging up, you make your first cut, and the damn thing looks up at ya.

Like most skin/fur bearing animals, the back is the most valuable. If you have some zombie beat all to hell, just cut out the back piece. After they've been dispatched, roll 'em over, pecker/cunt down. Most older zombies are likely to have cysts on their backs. That's fine. It will be handled during the fleshing process. Those do tend to bring less at the buyer. A good tattooed back is money in the bank (them Germans love their ink poster art).

I like to start up around the left shoulder blade. You don't just start cutting. You can screw up and puncture through that bastard, and you'll have a hell of a mess. Take your hand, place your finger tips on the back of the shoulder area, applying pressure. Now pull that area of skin down taunt and begin your cut; you want to do this all around the back until you have a complete separation of skin. You may have to go around old wounds and the like. By doing this there should be an inch gash boarder around the center piece. Get your pliers/skinner tool and grab a hold of the top corner of the skin and slowly but steadily begin to pull, at an angle. Some skins will come off with no trouble, but others will put up a resistance, and you'll have to release that corner and grab the opposite corner, pulling in the same manner until you hit resistance, repeating until it's off. (They say all men are created equal, but not their damn skin. Yellow, black, brown, white, thick, thin--it's all different and requires different tanning processes.)

Now that you have the back piece, always roll it flesh side in until you get ready to scrape it. If you have a male zombie, roll 'em over. The next thing you want to get is his cod sack. (Those English love cod sack chain purses.) Unfortunately, most zombie cod sacks are covered in dried, caked-on shit from where they shit on themselves after dying. Normally, in just the back hide taking process, I don't even bother with the cod sack. But if it's an unusually large cod sack, I will go to the trouble. Pick ya up a stick and beat the hell out of it. A lot of the shit will crumble off of the cod sack, depending on the freshness of the zombie. Putting shaving cream on the area will pull that shit right off of them and helps with the odor. You want to wrap your thumb and index finger around the sack and pull them out toward the feet as far as possible. Make a circular, oval cut around the base of the sack. This gives enough skin to be folded over in to create a nice seam to be stitched. After removal, you will want to squeeze the sack, which will make the balls rise to the top. They are held in by a membrane. Just make a slice in the membrane, and they will pop out.

With female zombies you want to cut off their breasts. Pull them up and back toward the head, cutting half moon cuts under them and doing the reverse action on the top half. The breasts make tobacco pouches that never allow the tobacco to go dry.

Full body skinning:

Fresh zombies can be skinned whole since their skin is almost perfect. For this you will need to hang 'em up. You need to hang them upside down. You can't just tie a rope around their feet and hang 'em. One, they can slip out. Two, unlike that shit you see on TV, most zombies have broken ankles and their bodies can't be supported. Make a vertical cut (not deep) down the Achilles tendon, slide your finger in and pull it out enough to get the hook of the gambrel to go under and out the other side. Repeat with the other ankle. Now raise the zombie up with the gambrel. The hands should be almost to the ground or on the ground, depending on how tall the zombie is. Now, go ahead and make a complete cut around both wrists, the neck (or if the head is missing, there's no need to), and you will also want to make a complete cut around both ankles below the insertion of the hooks. Be careful when doing this. The weight on the Achilles tendon will make it taunt and raise it next to the skin. You do not want to cut through the tendon. It will break with the leg falling off the hook, making it a pain in the ass to finish skinning.

Now start on the inside of the ankle (either one), make a slice all the way down, right behind the genitalia area--do both sides the same--and with the skinning tool/pliers, begin to pull the skin off and down the leg. This is done the same way as we did the back until you reach the base of the ass. Take your knife and cut around the anus, slicing moon shaped cuts along the inside of the butt cheeks. Stop at the base of the tail bone; take your knife and slide it under the cod sack area, separating the cods and the dick muscles. With females, you want to cut in and around the genitals to be able to pull out the lips. These areas will be the meatiest parts of the skin.

The most common accident a green horn does to condemn himself is to nick himself with his knife. This is an automatic death sentence to the untrained. Nature is a weird thing. It repeats itself on different levels. Like a catfish, when you get stuck by the barbs of a catfish, it burns and becomes inflamed. However, if you squeeze the catfish and rub the secretions onto the spot, it stops the burn and the swelling. Guess what! Zombie ass juice prevents you from turning from minor cuts and scratches. We call it "milking the ass." You do this by pushing up and in on the zombie's ass. The ass secretes a white substance that can be rubbed on the cut or scratch. It will stop the infection and you will not turn.

By now the skin should be hanging around the upper hip area. To skin on down from this point, you will need to pull with your hands the stomach and the love handles, which are the toughest part. It's just pull and cut. Don't worry about the fat sticking to the skin; it will easily scrape off. A little trick I like to use is to put a golf ball in behind the skin hanging down from the zombie's back and one behind the skin hanging down the zombie's front. Push them through the skin so that you can tie a rope around the skin covered balls. You should have one end of the rope in the front tied around the skin covered golf ball and the other end around the ball in the back. Attach this rope to a 4-wheeler, horse, whatever, and slowly pull. The skin will peel right off the body to the shoulders.

Once you get to the shoulder area, you want to make a diamond cut around the armpit glands. (I call them glands. I don't give a shit what you call it.) You do not want to cut into them. The pheromones and scent from a ruptured gland brings zombies in droves. (You can insert syringes into these glands pulling out the liquid and putting it into vials for scent bait in the future.) After your diamond cut around the arm pits, make one last cut from the top of the diamond cut up the inside of the arms. Just peel the hide on down, as if it's a sweater. That's all there is to skinning a zombie.

Now, time to flesh and tan. That's another story.

******

Thanks again Drew! 

Later taters,

Tonia