Okay, so I spent the better part of this morning reading reviews and blog posts about vibrators.
Yeah, I got caught up in that endless swirl of link upon link upon link of blog posting madness. I could have spent hours at it, maybe even the whole of the day. I finally stopped reading because I got tired of hearing about how the women all needed a vibe due their pitiful sex lives. Half of them spent the entire blog whining about being married to the least affectionate man on earth, and the other half went on about the lonely life of a single/divorced/unwanted woman.
I own a vibrator. I love my vibrator. (Actually I own a few but that's neither here nor there.) The point is that my owning a vibe is not because I can't get sex anywhere else. In fact, I have a great regular partner, my husband of fourteen years. I own a vibe for several reasons, none of which include "Because I am married and my sex life is dead as a result."
I own a vibrator because:
1) It feels great! I have heard men and women both say they don't like 'em. Who do you think you're fooling? A vibe on your conjunction-junction feels fucking fantastic. Like a thousand little fingers flicking you off at the same time. Sometimes I worry my eyes will roll to the back of my head and never return.
2) It's a quick way to get off. I'm a sloooooow burn on the old orgasm flame. My man enjoys this because he likes to take his time. But time is a commodity in our house, something we don't always have. A vibe is a great way to speed things up, every pun intended.
3) I fucking can. Yes, I count the fact that I can own one as a reason to own one. It took years and lots of struggle to achieve a time when we can not only buy them, but post blogs about them without fear of the old boot-to-the-head syndrome of censured silence.
4) I love to use it. Did I mention how fucking fantastic they feel?
5) It's a sure fired cure for insomnia. Orgasms release natural endorphins which help you relax and sleep. True story. A quick session with the old buzzer and then it's off to la-la land.
6) There is a use it or loose it game with the Big O. I work third shift. My husband works first. This leaves us a few narrow windows every week for happy unions. How do I keep my works ready for receiving his blessed affections? Much like the rest of your body you have to exercise the old hoo-haa or it will forget what it's supposed to do. I'm serious! Masturbation is a key to keeping your orgasms in shape. Unless you orgasm on a regular basis, your climax will get weaker and weaker, until you just aren't having them at all. And what is better then a session with a vibe?
7) It helps my menstrual cramps. A good orgasm is a great way to relieve cramps, and the vibe is a massaging tool by nature. Do the math folks.
8) Variety is the spice of life. I own more than one toy because I like variety. A little longer one day, a bit thicker the next. A slim one for the back door perhaps? A different shape, a different feel, all of it keeps things interesting. And my hungry, hungry hippo loves interesting. In fact, she thrives on it. Interesting is good, and good is great!
9) Seriously, have you ever used a vibe during sex? If you answer yes, then you understand. *waggles eyebrows* If no, then why the hell not! I want to use a tired cliche to describe it for you, but it's not like having your cake and eating it too. It's more like fucking the baker and never having to worry about cake again!
10) IT JUST FUCKING FEELS GOOD! Need I say more?
So, I don't own a vibe because I am lonely, or horny with no outlet, or married to an uncaring spouse.
I own one because I want one.
Because I like it.
Because I use it every day.
Because I can.