A Diatribe on Dialogue
Or
How Not to Say It
Let’s talk about dialogue, baby.
Just as in life, dialogue is the driving force behind any story. It’s the bits of the movie in between the action and the sex, or sometimes during depending on the kind of movie you watch. It’s the part of the book where you learn who was Brad’s long lost brother, or lover, or both again depending on what kind of book you read. It’s a tool for revelation, invitation, capitulation and trepidation.
Yes, dialogue can do it all.
As a writer, you should be familiar with the mechanics of dialogue tags, and grammar rules for punctuation. But what remains a mystery for so many novice writers is the nuance of written speech. The subtleties of word choice. Good dialogue has an undercurrent that flows around the action rather than stomping on it like a giant, six foot lizard.
The first string of troublesome dialogue we will tackle is the info dump:
“Look!” Sue shouted. “It’s the aliens that we were conversing about only moments ago. Now they have both Barbara and Sarah. It doesn’t look like they will be escaping the jaws of those aliens anytime soon.” Then she and Bob ran away.
The main thing you notice about the phrase, besides the fact that it sounds like it was lifted from a corny fifties movie, is how much information is packed into it. As writers, we are browbeaten with the phrase “show don’t tell.” It’s an easy tactic for a writer to rely on dialogue to take some of the ‘show’ burden off of their shoulders. It’s also an easy mistake. Never let a character describe the current room, scene, or action in conversation with another character. It’s just bad writing.
So let’s break it down piece by piece:
“Look!” Sue shouted. “It’s the aliens that we were conversing about only moments ago.”
Surely the reader has just read the preceding conversation about the aliens. There is no need to remind them about it. This is a good chance to mix the show and tell of dialogue and narrative. Like this:
Sue came to a stop in the center of the field. “Look!” she shouted and pointed above the line of trees. Armored giants loomed in the night sky, snatching screaming humans from the ground, one by one, with metallic tentacle arms.
See how much more we got from that? Mix your words with descriptions of the action. Never let the characters do your work for you.
Now for the rest:
“Now they have both Barbara and Sarah. It doesn’t look like they will be escaping the jaws of those aliens anytime soon.” Then she and Bob ran away.
Here’s a good chance for some interaction. What is Bob doing while Sue shouts? Let him have a few lines. Like this:
“Oh my god!” Sue screamed. “They have Barbara and Sarah!”
Bob followed Sue’s terrified gaze, and watched as two of his dearest friends went limp in the claws of the metal monsters. “Let’s get out of here.” He grabbed Sue’s hand and pulled, but she held firm, memorized by the sight. “We need to go Sue. They can’t escape, but we can!”
Sue turned to him with wide eyes and nodded.
Together, the pair raced off into the night.
You liked that, didn’t you? It was much more exciting and tense. And you can see how the dialogue reveals the characters’ emotions and motives, while adding to the action.
Let’s look at another common dialogue problem. As you read this, keep in mind Roger is just some average guy, trying to find a bus that will get him to Shelby on time for a job interview:
“I say, good man,” Roger said to the driver. “Does this community transport progress to Shelby? Or does it disembark in Charlotte? I only inquire because I have an interview in Shelby, and I do not wish to present a bad impression by arriving tardy for my primary encounter.”
Barring the occasional absentminded professor, do you know anyone that talks like that? Unnatural phrasing is the biggest culprit of the dialogue monster. It is also the easiest to fix. Just read it aloud. Spoken language has a rhythm, and when we create words on paper it’s easy to ignore or even forget about that natural rhythm. Listen to the people around you talking. Listen to the rise and fall of natural conversation. Kind of like music, isn’t it?
The cadence of someone’s voice can be translated in writing by choosing the right words to say the right things. When you read dialogue aloud, your ears will clue you into when things sound unreal.
Let’s break it down:
“I say, good man,” Roger said to the driver.
We get the idea that Roger is just trying to be polite, but he comes off sounding pompous. Simple enough to fix:
“Hey there,” Roger said to the driver.
Roger can still be polite, and not sound like a world class geek. Now for the rest:
“Does this community transport progress to Shelby? Or does it disembark in Charlotte? I only inquire because I have an interview in Shelby, and I do not wish to present a bad impression by arriving tardy for my primary encounter.”
There are four words almost every new writer needs to hear at least once.
Put the thesaurus down.
It’s easy to click back and forth on your word processing program, until you find words that you think makes you sound clever and educated. But what they really do is make you and your characters sound phony. When writing your dialogue, keep in mind characters’ level of education and personality. A Harvard professor speaks completely different from a street-smart hoodlum. In this case, Roger is a good old boy just looking for the right bus to board.
So let his dialogue reflect that:
“Does this bus go to Shelby, or is Charlotte the last stop? I hate to trouble ya, but I have an interview in Shelby and I don’t want to be late.”
Simple. To the point. And most of all true to Roger’s nature.
The last piece of dialogue concerns the relationship between words and action:
“I’ll never be happy again! I thought you loved me! This is the worst day of my life!” Mavis shouted as she ran away.
The implication of the tag is that she shouted this entire phrase as she ran off. Read that phrase aloud again while trying to run. Hard to do isn’t it? So how could Mavis shout that whole phrase while she ran away? Doesn’t seem likely. Keep in mind what a character is up to when he or she is speaking. Try to match your words not only to their frame of mind, but also their physical actions. For example:
If someone is running their words would be clipped.
“Get away!” she shouted as she ran. “Help me! Somebody! Help!”
If they are sleepy they might pause as they speak.
“What did you… put… in my drink?”
You get the idea. Let’s try a fix:
“I’ll never be happy again! I thought you loved me! This is the worst day of my life!” Mavis shouted as she ran away.
Dialogue wise this is okay. We just need to adjust the tag and the action so Mavis doesn’t collapse before she can finish her words. Like this:
“I’ll never be happy again!” Mavis shouted. She threw her bouquet to the floor and backed away from Tom. “I thought you loved me! This is the worst day of my life!” She turned away and darted from the church, dragging her bridal veil behind her as she ran.
Wow. Not only did we give Mavis a chance to speak her mind before she fled, she got a little action in there too. Writing your character some body language is just as important as giving him proper words to say.
So now what did we learn?
Dialogue isn’t just a place to cram a paragraph of description.
Reading aloud will help you capture natural speech patterns.
Let the character speak from the heart, not from the dictionary.
Language should reflect mood as well as physical actions.
And always remember if you’re stuck for good dialogue, just stop and listen to those around you. The best inspiration can come from the most common of places. Want to write dialogue for kids? Hang out with your nieces and nephews for a few hours. Can’t get the hang of Southern slang? Give that friend of yours in North Carolina a call and listen to her talk. Need to sound like a professor? Spend a few days sitting in on a college classes.
Walk away from the thesaurus, turn off the TV and go listen to real people talk about real things.
Later taters!