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Bad News Bearers
In which Piddles and Diddles brings the Gnomish court
some fairly bad news.
Piddles and Diddles Littlebottom hustled their family's
trademark attribute through the royal gates, across the royal garden, down the
royal hallway, right into the royal throne room. King Harry the First, Lord of
all Gnomes and Master of all he surveyed--which was quite a lot, considering he
was just over a foot tall--stood from his seated position on the royal throne
and thundered in a very impressive royal voice at the two interlopers.
"Interlopers!" he thundered.
"Your highness!" Piddles cried as he dropped to
one knee.
Diddles was already on his knees. Being a gnome of some
girth, he had trouble managing the single knee action, so he usually opted for
both knees, claiming it was more reverent that way.
"Oh go highness yourself," King Harry said.
"How dare you storm in here uninvited and unannounced like that. It's just
rude."
"King Harry," Piddles gasped, because he was
quite out of breath. Running for almost two days straight carrying an important
message that could change all of the Gnomic race for always will do that to a
gnome. "We bring dire news from west of the-"
But King Harry would give no quarter on his position.
"Who do you think you are? King? Bloody well not, because I'm king,
laddies. I'm the king here." King Harry waved his hands about, to
illustrate the difference between the three of them. "You're just ... not
kings."
"You must listen to us," Diddles said. "Our
new is of utmost-"
"I must what?" King Harry lifted his skirts, or
rather his royal robes, and trotted down the few steps that separated him from
the common commoners. "Listen here you pointy hatted git, I was in the
middle of telling a perfectly good joke and you to twats ruined it for me.
Ruined it! Forever and always! How dare you ruin my joke. I was just about to
deliver the punch line."
"And it was bound to be a delightful punch line I'm
sure," said Mrs. King Harry from her royal but much more feminine throne.
Though we should probably call her Queen Lucetta. Because that's her name,
don't you know?
"It was," King Harry said as he looked back upon
the smiling face of his Queen with a gentle, loving smile. "It was a
delightful punch line. You were going to laugh so hard, and I was going to
smile at you laughing, because you know how much I love to hear you laugh, my
little peach-"
Unable to contain himself any longer, Piddles leapt to his
feet and shouted, "Shut up!" Piddles then covered his mouth, but it
was too late, the words were out there, hanging in mid air between him and the
King.
The now very angry King. "Did you just tell me to
shut up?"
Piddles nodded. He tried to shake his head, tried to lie,
but every ounce of royal messenger training in him forbade him from lying to
his liege.
"I thought as much," King Harry said. He hooked
his thumb to two burly gnomes that stood on either side of the royal thrones.
Each was roughly the size of a miniature gorilla.
"Do you see these gnomes behind me?" King Harry
asked. "Do you know what they do for a living?"
"Please sire," Diddles said. "We have
something of grave importance to tell you."
"Guards!" King Harry yelled. "Seize
them!"
"Sire! You must hear us out!"
King Harry turned his back on the warning and tiptoed up
his royal stairs. "Nope. I don't want to hear another word from either of
you."
"Please, your highness!" Piddles cried as the
guards dragged the pair of brothers away. "You have to ready the army!
They are on their way! We must prepare before it it’s too late! They're coming!
If we don't act now it will be far too-" Piddles's voice echoed off into
the hallway, then came to an abrupt stop when the heavy doors slammed right in
mid warning.
"Now," King Harry said to his Queen. "Where
was I?"
"You were about to say the punch line," Queen
Lucetta said.
"Oh yes. What was it again?"
Queen Lucetta, Flower of the Eastern lands and doting
mother to the whole kingdom, sat ramrod straight and recited, "If I had a
vagina, all of this would be mine."
King Harry frowned. "Oh, poo. You've heard it
already."
Now, it might've been of interest to a anyone listening
just what sort of message the Littlebottom brothers were trying to convey. It
should have been of interest to King Harry the First, Lord of all Gnomes and
Master of all he surveyed. It was not of interest to Queen Lucetta, but only because
the news was so terrible, and she hated terrible news. It was certainly of
great interest to their subjects, both gnome and non-gnome alike, all across
the kingdom. Even the rest of Malgaria not under gnome reign would've liked to
have known.
Because the zombies were coming.
And it was going to take a hell of a lot more than a well
timed punch line to stop the undead menace.
****