Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Zombies for Christmas



Forget the latest toy or video game this year for the kids. Get your child the gift that keeps on giving. Give them a zombie! Zombies* are the perfect holiday gift for any faith or celebration. From lifeless, shuffling corpses, to enraged maniacal monsters, zombies are a treat for all ages. And so affordable too.

Zombies are a self-cleaning, self-feeding, self-everything kind of present that will bring a smile to any child of any age. Imagine the look on your kid’s face when he or she opens the largest box under the tree and a stumbling undead nightmare emerges. Priceless!





And what about the little woman on your list? Need a new garbage disposal? Zombies have been known to eat pretty much anything thrown their way. That tired old broom got you down? No worries, the slow shuffle of the classic zombie is guaranteed to push any mess into a neat pile. 





Don’t forget about those hardworking men! 
A zombie is just the thing to help out with all sorts of chores around the garage and yard. Need a tiller for the garden? Just pick up a half off model and let that the zombie pull its way across perfectly turned soil. How about a hand with washing the car? Soap up topless lady zombie, then climb into the vehicle, and in minutes the zombie will smear, swipe and soap away the dirt and debris with her “sponges”, all while you sit inside comfortably and enjoy the show. Just don’t let the wife find out!

Many of you are asking yourself that age old question: Where can an average Joe like me get my hot little hands on a zombie this late in the shopping season? Turns out the answer is as simple as it is easy. All you have to do is follow one of three scenarios and voila! A zombie apocalypse is at your fingertips.
1)      Viral Outbreak: Cover your cough? Not when a zombie outbreak is only a sneeze away. Forget those warnings from your nurses and doctors; they are just keeping you from an amazing gift giving opportunity. The CDC is always demanding we wash our hands. Well wash no more, sit back and just wait for the super flu to develop. Once the virus mutates, it will be cheap and affordable zombies for everyone! That is if you don’t catch the virus first. Own a zombie or be a zombie, it’s as simple as that.


2)      Supernatural control: Can’t wait for a virus to mutate? Then it’s time you looked into some good old fashioned voodoo. You are one magic spell away from owning your very own zombie army! If Sugar Hill can command the undead with a favor from Baron Samedi, than so can you!


3)      Biblical Occurrence: Any day now, the Almighty is going to get tired of the human race. You’ve heard what happens when there is no more room in hell, right? Well, all you have to do is make yourself ready for the rapture, and you too can rake in the benefits of a civilization abandoned by the divine. Make sure you aren’t too much of a goody two shoes, though, or you will end up sucked into heaven and miss out on all the zombie action.

So there you have it, three easy, affordable steps for this year’s perfect gift. A zombie can be yours with minimal effort and maximum benefits! Just think how your loved one will scream when they see their very own zombie shambling up the driveway.

Don’t hesitate! Get your zombie today!





*Baring purchasing or making an actual zombie, you could just read the finest in zombie fiction. Why not pick up a copy of The Cold Beneath today? It's available in ebook, print and audio format. It is just as good as the real thing, and no messy intestines to clean up later! 

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